Smoking

I'm about two and a half months into my currentr effort to stop smoking. I've been off of cigarettes twice in the last three years for stretches of six months.

I have avoided writing about this because I'm not feeling very successful about it and I'm not really clear about what I think and feel about it. But what this blog has been more than anything is a place to get clear, so here goes.

I have liked to smoke. I've enjoyed the tactile experience, the taste, and (I suspect) the narcotic effects. I have smoked for a long time, starting at about 14. I don't know if I really want to quit AND I really want to quit. Can you accept that I am of both minds about this?

What I have discovered is that I like not smoking. I really like that I do not smell like an ashtray. I like not burning holes in my favorite clothes. I like that my wife likes that I'm not smoking--though I'd like it more if she expressed her appreciation a little more.

What I like most is that I am not at the effect of cigarettes. I don't have to organize my day around getting to the store to get a pack. I don't feel that compulsion to step out of something like a book group meeting to have a smoke. I don't have to light up each time I am someplace where I can, like walking outside.

During the previous efforts to quit I have failed because I thought I could have "just one." I was stressed or missing them or something... who knows what exactly. I'm clear that I have to not do that. I hope I can get my head there at the right moments.

I've tried to take a look at what smoking did for me, because I think being conscious of that might help.

What I have come up with is that I used smoking as much as anything as a way to mark time, a way to sort the day into periods. Probably no accident since my first cigarettes were consumed while we hung out sitting on a concrete wall across from school on a break and at lunch. My days feel different without them, so I've been turning to other things to fill that space. Fortunately I have avoided a lot of food intake as a substitute. My weight is actually down a little from when I started this quit, though it has taken a holiday bounce up. Sugar free gum seems to help--I just need to remember to take it out when I am on the phone: sorry, if I have done that to you--and my coffee consumption is up a bit.

So far this time I am doing okay. I cheated once on a particularly stressful day and threw it out after a couple of puffs. Tasted horrible! I've fought off the thought that I really wanted a cigarette the few other times that it hit. I'm hoping I can make it stick this time.